SELFIE

So we finally broke down and bought a new iPhone with a camera in it. I had hoped to outlive technology (if that’s what I mean) but sometimes you just live too long. Anyway, Wifey was in the kitchen with her arm extended taking practice “Selfies,” as they’re called.

“Isn’t this wonderful,” she said. “Look, you can snap away and take as many shots as you want. Just delete what you don’t like. No film is used up. It’s endless. Look, you can hardly see the mark on my cheek where they took off that cyst. Get over here and I’ll take our picture together.”

“OK, but if I do, it wouldn’t be called a ‘Selfie’ would it? Not if I’m in it too.”

“Don’t be silly. Get over here.”

“No, but really it’s important to get the nomenclature right on this new stuff. It can’t be a ‘Selfie’ if we’re both there, can it? You’d have to call it an ‘Us-ie,’ wouldn’t you? Or a ‘We-We,’ maybe?

“Well, I’m not calling it that for sure!”

“Why not?”

“Because it sounds sort of like ‘wee-wee,’ you jerk. Now get over here.”

“Not ‘sort of,’ Dear. It sounds exactly like ‘wee-wee,’ but if I’m in it, that’s what you’d be doing, isn’t it? Taking a ‘We-We’ I mean.”

“No, it’s still a ‘Selfie,’ jerk-wad. Get over here.”

“And/no/but/so then, when people look at it, they can’t be thinking, ‘Oh look at the nice “Selfie” of Mary and Slade. That’s grammatically absurd.”

“Well, they can just think it’s a Selfie of Mary with Slade in it too then. Does that solve your damn grammar issue?”

“Maybe. But/so they’d say, ‘There’s a nice Selfie of MARY... and slade’s there too,’ or ‘Look, there’s MARY... with what’s-his-name?”

“Oh, I see. You’re worried about top billing.”

“No, I’m worried about nomenclature. See, if you picked up the dog in one arm and took a picture, they could correctly say, ‘Here’s a nice “selfie” of Mary with Chester,’ but if I’m in it, is it a “Selfie,” an “Us-ie,” or a “We-We”? The real problem, of course, is that you and I are both English teachers, and in the age of technology, as we watch the glorious English language deteriorate into gibberish... know-what-ahm-sayin...he-goes, he-goes... it’s the sacred duty of English teachers to man the bulwarks of a noble, lost cause to the very end, isn’t it? Anyway I’ve got that off my chest now. So c’mon, let’s take a We-We.”

“Forget it.”

“No/but/yes, you’re right! I AM worried about the billing. Did you save the receipt? We could still get our money back for that thing.”