The rock was rolled back, and Jesus was gone,
Arisen it seems from the dead,
But here’s an alternative version
That may fit facts better instead.
Anticipating the cruel crucifixion,
Jesus’ friends took precautions perhaps,
Assembling elixirs and potions,
Compresses, gauze, ointment, and wraps.
And they treated our suffering Savior...
(I know how this version disturbs)...
But they bound up sweet Jesus with dressings,
Tourniquets, and medicinal herbs.
And then, through an exit or tunnel
Dug by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John,
Without supernatural wonders,
The still-living Jesus was gone.
And they hurried Him onto a vessel
Owned by Joseph of Arimathea,
And He lived happily ever after
With Mary Magdalene in ancient Gallia.
So for pragmatist, realist, and skeptic,
I’ve rewritten this story to please us,
And I’ll likely howl forever in Hell
For this pun and this bad exegesis.