Oldster

Hip-hip-hooray! Ole! Ole!
What-a-ya-say! I’m an oldster.

Howdy-do and skip-to-my-loo,
Twenty-three skidoo. I’m an oldster.

No longer any doubt about it.
Useless really to pout about it. I’m an oldster.

I haven’t been fired or semi-retired.
I’m totally tired. I’m an oldster.

You probably knew it years ago.
An oldster is always last to know he’s an oldster.

I’ve gone from a run, to a jog, to a walk,
And now I’m just talk. I’m an oldster.

The doc raised my dosage, and I take them oftener:
Lipitor, Prozac, and a good stool softener. I’m an oldster.

Another beer? Don’t mind if I do.
Then for sure I’ll skip-to-my-loo. I’m an oldster.

God broke the mold before he made me;
Now wifey can’t even trade me. I’m an oldster.

Low back pain has made me a wreck,
And wifey has a pain in the neck. I’m an oldster.

The list of roles I could play isn’t huge:
Mr. Dithers, The Grinch, and Scrooge. I’m an oldster.

But wifey doesn’t mind if I’m moody.
It’s either that or I’m Howdy-Doody. I’m an oldster.

Not of the Greatest Generation and too old for a Boomer,
My generation was just a rumor. I’m an oldster.

When Truman beat Dewey, I carried his placard.
I once owned a Nash, and I’ve driven a Packard. I’m an oldster.

My fridge is the latest model G.E,
But the thing is still an “ice box” to me. I’m an oldster.

I never e-mail, text, or tweet.
To me a rotary dial is neat. I’m an oldster.

“In the Still of the Night,” was NOT The Shirelles.
The Five Satins sang that one, pals. I’m an oldster.

Spiderman’s cool; I’d like to meet him,
But I bet The Green Hornet could beat him. I’m an oldster.

Olga Korbut? Queen of the perfect dismount.
Me? King of the senior discount. I’m an oldster.

The word “oldster” even sounds outdated,
Onomatopoeia for “antiquated.” I’m an oldster.

Don’t call me if you’re in danger.
Call 911... I’m not the Lone Ranger. I’m an oldster.

Among the ladies, I once was “top gun.”
Now a colonoscopy’s fun. I’m an oldster.

But the ladies can still fill my heart with delight:
Phyllis Diller and Betty White. I’m an oldster.

When your gun don’t clear the holster,
You’re an oldster.