Warranty

Eon Home Warranty Services, Gloria speaking. How may we help you?

My furnace died.

Oh dear. And what kind of system was that, sir, gas or electric?

Electric.

I see. Well, our records show no electrical coverage remaining on your contract this year, sir. If you renew the contract next June, we can help you again.

But winter is coming.

I'm sorry, sir. If you had a gas system now, there's full replacement coverage still in effect, not to mention eligibility for our Paradise Cruise bonus promotion.

Oh...but...

But thank you for calling Eon Home Warranty, sir. Have a nice day.

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Eternity Guarantee Services, Gabriel speaking. How may we help you?

I died.

Oh dear. And how exactly did this happen, sir.

In the war. In Iraq.

And what kind of system was that, sir, Islamic, Christian, or non-denominational.

Non-denominational.

I see...and usually that's no problem, sir, but that war is a religious war. Your contract doesn't cover that war.

But I believe in God.

Yes sir...and private faith normally covers Americans at war, but in fully religious conflicts, orthodoxy is the governing paragraph. Now if you had the Islamic system, we have 77 virgins and full paradise privileges.

But that's Jihadist talk. We don't think that way.

I'm sorry, sir. Didn't you hear? Your commander-in-chief has declared that war a Crusade.

Oh...but...

But thank you for calling Eternity Guarantee, sir. Have a nice stay.